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The First Face of Pain

What is true pain? To me, it is the feeling of having your heart ripped apart inside you, but not by your enemies but rather those who one holds dear…

Your enemies aim to hurt you but friends you hold dear. You help and protect them, some prove to be true friends while others leave with time… However when one you hold so dear gives you pain that surpasses any friendship would you still consider them your true friends?

Pain is something one endures for themselves and loved ones. There are times when the closest to us causes such pain but we willingly take it for the sake of our friendship. However when there is nothing but pain and empty promises left to you by such a friend, no matter how much you cherish that friend you to have a limit. My tolerance for such a friend was great that though i stayed by her side through thick or thin, all i received in return now are merely empty promises and a taste of sheer sorrow and betrayal.

Though this has happened before with her, forgiveness was given and even love… parting was a forced hand by fate for times were difficult. A promise was made, a promise to wait. however later i suspected another and was recently confirmed. No notice or warning or even a conversation was made. Every promise to communicate was empty. Confusion ruled my mind with a deep planted seed of sorrow and pain. When at last it was confirmed, my pain grew and ripped apart my heart, with even more ferocity than it was before. She has ripped out my heart once upon a time and though i was made to believe that she truly loved me and it was fate that forced our break up. Now I am not so sure… No longer am I certain of who she has become, or who she is anymore.

My pain that i have tolerated for her because of our friendship and even love for her, is greater and has been getting stronger still, fed by broken promises and now even lies. Certain I am now, that her regard for me and our friendship was never so great. That I have made myself believe, in my naivety, our friendship was so great. An illusion I have lived, and a fool i have been proven to be to have been so blind for thinking that i have found a soulmate. One that I believed was destined to meet and stand beside as either friend or lover throughout the test of time… Now i know that such was merely a dream. Never meant to last… What choice have I now? Do i continue to endure such pain? Such torture that  rips apart my heart… Do i endure as i have been enduring such pain for years, and years more? Or do i sever ties, no longer to be called friend… No longer to protect and hold dear such wonderful memories…

I have lost, for which ever i choose there is only pain that shall be left to me. To endure shall cause great pain that may leave me numb to love, to life… to sever too shall create a void in my soul that i must suffer a loss of such a friend that in time, though long may heal. I am exhausted, no longer do i have the strength to endure such pain…

I ask those that may read my blog to share their opinions and if any words of advice for one with less wisdom on how to engage such a problem. My thanks to those who reply, and my apologies for the trouble and time that may have been used…

Hurt

At times i just don’t get it, what are you really suppose to do in life? Some say its to find love but no one really knows what to do when they find love anyway…

Sometimes when we find love, we need to wait for the right time, for some the promise to wait and others left to chance. it seems that in the larger scheme of things a promise to wait may harder than leaving things to chance and just doing what one has to until the chance appears, and if it doesn’t then they take their best shot and go on from there.

However in the case of one who promises to wait may hold several meanings. One of which is to merely let life and love take its course until they are able to be together, to love and live however one sees fit, another to stay true to the other as if an unofficial relationship though they may be near or far apart.

Is it not harder to choose the promise to wait or do people really have that much faith? I myself am at a loss, contemplating on this I do not know if I can put that much faith in a person again because when I tried, my gut has kept telling me that it would never happen as promised. I kept my faith and neglected such feelings and doubt but in turn they seemed to be the truth. My gut has tried to tell me but still i wished it to be wrong, I ended up being hurt and wish I had just listened. I am a romanticist and though a pessimist at most things, I believe that i am and optimist when it comes to love. Surprisingly my gut though seems to be pessimistic at times has not lead me wrong in cases of love. When it warns me i never listen, wishing as all romanticists do for a happily ever after. Of course I end up in pain, hurting like my heart being torn apart by the same person I loved.

My folly on this matter has always lead me to wish to never love again though I know it is even greater a folly to do so. So I push on with this seemingly confused life of mind with the never ending curiosity and suffering to find the answer that i believe I may never find. However when i do find the answer i believe my companion will either disappear or consume me before i find it. until then I live with this companion of mine with its name only known to me as “Hurt”.

 

This blog of mine may seem overdramatic to most who read this and maybe it is, or maybe it was only meant to be understood by those who are searching for the same answers I am…

Good Day…

Wish

i believe that we have all had the feeling of wanting to be that special someone in another’s life…for some merely superficial for others deeper than they know…

the thing is how do we know when we should let that person go or hold on… how do we know if we are the right person for them or if there’s someone else out there that could make them happier… in the end must we hold on for our own happiness or stop before it begins? why do people engage in such folly, myself included of course.

we take risks and though some expect the worst they sincerely wish for the best, that maybe somehow, someway the one they are falling for would fall for them too. and that they would be the best person to make him/her happy. and yet doubt and fear stops them from trying, convincing themselves at times that instead of forcing one emotions on the other one merely accepts the possibility that he/she is not the “one”, that others can make him/her happier. and then the return to the life they live but with the constant pain of wishing to be the one holding his/her hand, to be that shoulder to lean on

Coffee with a friend

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee: 

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. 

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it
was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. 

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a
unanimous ‘yes’. 

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to 
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things—your family, your children, your health, your
friends and your favorite
passions. And if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full.’ 

‘The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house and your car.’

‘The sand is everything else—the small stuff’

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no 
room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If
you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will
never have room for the things that are important to you.’

‘Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play 
with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with your
grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.’ 

Take care of the golf balls
first - the things that really matter. Set
your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ 

‘The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’

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